Love Is
by Saori Miyuki
Summary: What is love" Heero asked me one day... Quatre POV. Death fic with shounan-ai element. Read at your own risk.
1. Quatre

Author note: first time writer, not first fic I wrote but the fourth one up. Anyway, animation's not mine, characters' not mine; I'm poor, so don't sue me......anything I forgot to mention?? Ahh… the story!! It's **MINE**!!

Death fic. And yea, I know it's not the right season for it, but if you don't like it, don't read it. Or if you feel like flaming something, go after my plot bunnies, it's their faults for hopping around my brain so enthusiastically, forcing me to write it down before they would give me a rest. So yea, chase them down if you have to, just don't brain me while you're doing it. Merry Christmas!!

* * *

"What is love?" Heero asked me one day.

That had been the beginning of Pilot 01's downfall.

No one had realized that at that point of the time, of course. As for me, I had been too shock to say anything intelligent for replies.

Not too shock as to why Heero had asked such question, mind you, for I had always been aware of the trainings the Perfect Soldier underwent as a child. His training had been so harsh, comparing to all the trainings we pilots had ever had, that it striped him the basic ability of understanding emotions, even when he himself was feeling it.

It had also made him one of the purest of heart and soul, if not innocent.

What shocked me was the fact that he had voiced out his doubt and uncertainty. While it was okay for a normal person to feel such things, it was weaknesses and imperfections in Dr. J's book. Since a perfect soldier had no weaknesses, Heero had always been brutally punished if he ever showed it.

Though he had mellowed a lot since the beginning of the first war, I had known as a fact that Heero still suffered from mental tortures, a punishment mechanism deeply instilled by courtesy of Dr. J.

For him to be able to ask such a question, I didn't want to imagine the pain and hurt he had to endure just for daring to say the words.

And I cursed myself that day as I failed my duty, my promise to protect this particular angel from falling into his personal hell, for I had been too blind to see the reasoning, the motivation of him raising the question ––

He was in love with Shinigami.

He had dared to fall in love; had pushed himself, even when he was suffering a terrible psychological pain at all times, into accepting Shinigami's love.

And he had lost it because of his inability to say the words.

I so wanted to strangle the braided baka with his precious hair, stuffed it down his throat until he choked and stomped him to death with Sandrock's feet, for daring to break his heart by falling into another's arms.

By falling into Wufei's arms.

How dared they do that to one of our own?

But there's nothing I could do about those two – I was too busy trying to mend Heero's broken heart, and his rapidly deteriorating health. Yes, even the Perfect Soldier could only take so much pain. The stress of accepting Duo's love, physically and emotionally, and the pressure of forcing himself to try to break free of the mental cage Dr. J had imprisoned him with, just to say those three stupid words, had really done a number on him. The pain had been so great that it had, in turn, triggered a neural toxin that was slowly killing Heero, eating him alive from inside.

I had tried every single thing I could think of, had spent every single one of my resources into finding a cure for Heero.

I had wanted to notify the others about Heero's conditions, but he wouldn't let me. He didn't want Duo to come back because of pity and guilt. All he wanted was Duo's happiness, even at the cost of his body and soul.

And eventually, he showed his love for Shinigami with his own life.

On that very same day, we lost Shinigami to his own hell of madness...


	2. Wufei

Author note: first time writer, not first fic I wrote but the fourth one up. Anyway, animation's not mine, characters' not mine; I'm poor, so don't sue me... ...anything I forgot to mention?? Ahh… the story!! It's **MINE**!!

Death fic. And thanks for pointing out my grammar mistakes, bffimagine. I guess I have completely overlooked them since my hands can hardly match the speed of my thoughts and I just don't wanna miss out anything. And once I'm done, other than spelling mistakes, all the grammar things became blindspots to me. Oh well, at least I've tried to amend them… if there're still any mistakes, please feel free to point it out, I'll try to amend them. See ya and enjoy! v

* * *

What is love?

Tricky question it was, but I know love when I saw Yuy being gunned down by criminals while struggling to shoot down every one of them, sacrificing his own body as a shield for Duo.

I had no idea what his last words to Duo was, while lying in his own pool of blood with my beloved hysterically pressing down every single wounds he could find, trying to stop the life essence from leaving the dying body of his best friend. I had been too far to protect him that day, and I grieved for him for losing one of his very best friends. That was, until I heard his anguish wails to heaven, that I realized who had held my beloved's heart and soul all these years.

My love had lost his one and only, the soul mate that I could never hope to compete against…

I had always known that Duo was in love with someone else when he came to me. And though I knew I could never be what he wanted, I had selfishly taken him into my arms, offering all that I am and hoping against hope that it would be enough to fill the emptiness his love had left in his soul.

He seemed happy enough for awhile, but when Yuy had, all of a sudden, seemingly disappeared into thin air, he had completely collapsed. So emotionally drained, he didn't have the strength to leave the bed for days. And I loathed Yuy for leaving him, for leaving his best friend alone, when said friend was in need of his strength. Some best friend he was!

I fully intended to tear him a new one when I see him next. But when I did see him again, it was for an urgent Preventers mission. Not only did I not have much time to talk, much less reaming him out about Duo, I found myself speechless at the sight of Yuy's appearance.

He looked pale. His intense, Prussian-blue eyes were bruise-looking and dull. His wild mane of hair was hanging lamely over his eyes, and he seemed to have lost weight so drastically that his usual tank-top and jeans looked two sizes too big on him. He even had the Preventers' jacket on him when everyone were wearing short-sleeves and tank-tops and still sweating all over the place!

Winner and Barton had come with Yuy, though Lady Une didn't request their assistance. Winner had been hovering over Yuy since their arrivals, fussing and fretting non-stop like a mother hen. But whenever he looked up and saw me, he glared at me with a heated look that I could only interpret as cold fury and disgust.

Barton had stood close to Yuy all the while with a hand under the Perfect Soldier's elbow, sometime an arm around the shoulder, holding Yuy intimately like a lover. He had looked worried for some reasons, though he would become expressionless if he happened to find me observing them. I couldn't even begin to fathom his strange behaviors until Yuy suddenly grabbed onto Barton and trembled, his knees threatened to go out under him.

Yuy had hung onto Barton with a death grip in his shirt, with his face buried against the tall man's shoulder, while Barton pulled him close and held him tight, murmuring something in his ear. To untrained eyes, those two looked as if they were engaged in a lover embrace. However, to me, it's clear as day that Yuy was unwell and had been in pain for quite some time, possibly before arrival. His face was pinched and deathly pale, his skin clammy with sweat. While he had remained upright during his episode, I suspected that it was more because of Barton's support than under his own strength.

For him to show it though, I do not wish to speculate how much pain he must be in.

I would have requested to have Yuy off of the mission if the situation wasn't as dire as it was. The Perfect Soldier had looked so worn out after his episode that I doubted he could stay upright for much longer, much less complete a demanding mission like the one we were having. However, the thought of Duo being onsite at that very moment, completely surrounded by criminals that would, not only kill him and other agents in cold blood, but brutally tortured them to death, had me held my mouth shut.

I could not bear the thought of losing Duo, of Duo being dead or severely maimed.

If we were to capture those cold-blooded bastards with most of our agents alive, if we were ever to pull off this 'crazy stunt', as Duo liked to say, Yuy would be our best bet, our best chance to have a successful mission with the minimum body count.

I wished I had reconsidered and had Une taken Yuy off the mission that day.

Duo had screamed himself raw and fought us like a mad man possessed when the paramedics tried to take Yuy into the ambulance.

He wouldn't let go of him.

He had fought us all; had completely flattened me in just two moves, when he normally couldn't even faze me within five moves while we sparred. He would have dismembered the paramedics for touching Yuy if Barton, who had insisted on being Yuy's backup, hadn't yanked him away with his braid at the last minute and sedated him with a needle of tranquillizers he had somehow gotten hold of.

Duo was catatonic after that. He hadn't moved a single muscle in Barton's arms. Not even twitched when Winner stitched his wounds shut right outside the surgery room without the benefits of anesthetic. All he did was staring at the door of the surgery room, where Yuy had disappeared to. That was all he ever did, after Barton carried him into the ambulance where Yuy laid gravely injured, staring at Yuy's blood-tainted face.

When the surgeon came out hours later, bearing the bad news that Yuy might not last through the night, that his deteriorated body had finally reached a point where it had started to shut itself down, Duo broke down. He howled and shrieked his loss like a mad man; screaming and bawling so hysterically that it had completely knocked Winner out cold within seconds. His pain… by the gods… was so great and tangible that you could almost see it and touch it, not without recoiling so fast like being burnt.

We had lost him, the both of them, when Yuy died that night just before dawn.

We had to let Duo into ICU, to put him close to Yuy just to calm him down. Duo had struggled briefly, trying to get to his love as close as he could, until Barton threatened to knock him out and locked him away. Not wanting to waste precious minutes away from Yuy, Duo had meekly complied. He had cuddled against Yuy's body like a cat around a warm cushion. He had held him tenderly, like a mother to her child. He had whispered all kind of comforts and sweet nothings to the Perfect Soldier, hoping it would help his beloved, give him encouragement and motivation to fight his impending doom.

Nothing worked; in the end, everything he did had been a lost cause in delaying the inevitable…

Till this day, I could still hear Duo's grief-stricken cries; even if it has been years later. I could still remember that dreadful day when we lost our brothers; the day we lost Yuy to the Great Shinigami, the day we lost our Shinigami to insanity.

How I wish I haven't come between the two lovers – the two soul mates who were meant to be together forever – even if I would never regret loving Duo. He is such a gentle, loving soul that it is close to impossible not to love him as he is. Only if I have known about them…

No… no, there are no excuses; anyone with eyes could see the strong attractions between them, the electrical sparks and soul-deep emotions that filled the air when they were with each other. I have willingly blindfolded myself from seeing it, turning a blind eye at their pain when Duo had foolishly left Yuy, so that I could have him to myself. I haven't loved Duo enough to let him go, like Yuy did when he thought I was what Duo needed. I haven't loved Duo enough to push him back to where he belonged, where he should stay, right besides Yuy.

I wish…

If only I have been strong enough…


	3. Heero

Author note: first time writer, not first fic I wrote but the fourth one up. Anyway, animation's not mine, characters' not mine, the song's not mine; I'm poor, so don't sue me… … anything I forgot to mention?? Ahh… the story!! It's **MINE**!!

Death fic. And songfic as well… I was having a bit of writer's block when I was considering Heero's POV. And then I came across the lyrics of "I surrender" by Celine Dion. And well, you know what happened then… the plot bunnies wouldn't let me go until I change this POV into a songfic!! Take that! You stupid, stupid plot bunnies! Die!! …slippers flying all over the place…

Anyway, don't read this if you are feeling depress. It would only make you cry. Or, well… I myself was tearing up while writing this, and I was listening to the song at the same time. Guess that was pretty stupid of me. So now you know how to avoid crying like hell. Enjoy! v

* * *

"Aishiteru Heero." 

He told me every single time we were together.

He always made sure he looked sober and calm when he said it, and never called me any pet names when he did that.

So that I would take him seriously.

I always tried to look into his beautiful amethyst eyes and say it back, but I never could.

It hurt.

It hurt so badly that I could barely remain conscious.

I so wanted to tell him; tell him that I loved him, tell him I loved him so much that it hurt like hell. Told him everything there was to know about me, Heero Yuy, the Perfect Soldier, the Perfect Killing Machine the world has ever offered.

And told him why I could never utter the three little words he was so desperately after.

**_There's so much life I've left to live  
And this fire is burning still  
When I watch you look at me  
I think I could find the will  
To stand for every dream  
And forsake this solid ground  
And give up this fear within  
Of what would happen if they ever knew  
I'm in love with you_**

I tried.

I was trying so hard I believed J would be rolling in his grave, snarling at me for trying to undo his making of the Perfect Soldier. Or, he would be rolling in killer laughing fits, choking in mirth that his creation was so perfect that this Perfect Soldier couldn't even graze the surface of his damn cage, much less breaking it.

For this Perfect Soldier couldn't even begin to understand the concept of the only key to his imprisonment.

Emotion.

Feelings.

…Love.

**_'Cause I'd surrender everything  
To feel the chance to live again  
I reach to you  
I know you can feel it too  
We'd make it through  
A thousand dreams I still believe  
I'd make you give them all to me  
I'd hold you in my arms and never let go  
I surrender_**

Love is weakness.

Love is imperfection.

Weaknesses and imperfections have no places in a perfect soldier's life.

Conclusion – A perfect soldier has no place for love in his life, for love will only deter and endanger missions.

Endangering missions and potential mission failures are unacceptable.

Cause of failures must be eliminated.

Cause of failures – Duo Maxwell, Shinigami, pilot 02 of Deathscythe.

Conclusion – Shinigami must be eliminated.

I had had my chance to do it without any reprimands from the Mad Five, when Duo was captured that one time.

The Perfect Soldier in me had calculated and planned everything to a dot, giving me ample of time to carry out the unspoken mission and space to maneuver should I encounter any resistances on Shinigami's part. I had anticipated struggles from him, regardless of his state of injuries. I had expected him to argue with me, giving me essays about his usefulness and how invaluable a gundam pilot was. I had expected him to keep yapping and yelling at me, trying to get me to get him out of that hellhole.

I did not expect him to accept a death blow from me so utterly calm and serene.

As bruised and cut up as he was, his beautiful amethyst eyes brightened up when he saw me there. He saw the gun I was aiming at him, but he still smiled at me. He was happy to see me, even if I was only there to kill him. He was happy that he got to see me one more time before he had to go, before he met the Great Shinigami in person. All he asked of me was a hug, one last chance to be held within my arms, one last chance to say those words again…

I couldn't do it.

No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't pull the trigger.

Love made people weak, right? If love made people weak, how could Duo be so strong?

Duo was never invincible, but he was not weak.

Duo was never perfect, but he was strong. He had courage. He had wits. He might be a street rat, he might look tiny and weak, but he was agile and fast. He fought damn dirty, but he could get himself out of nasty situations most of the times. He might look flighty and erratic, but his mission successful rate was high. And he loved…

If love made people weak, how could he be so strong?

If only… if only I could see how he did that…

**_I know I can't survive  
Another night away from you  
You're the reason I go on  
And now I need to live the truth  
Right now, there's no better time  
From this fear I will break free  
And I'll live again with love  
And no they can't take that away from me  
And they will see…_**

I knew my time was running out.

The sadness, the disappointment, the self-doubts, the longings… they were always warring within his eyes. The love and hope that I ever returned his feelings were there too, but the light was fading fast, as days went by without the magic words.

Aishiteru, Duo.

Honto ni, aishiteru.

Please… See me, Duo.

Please, wait for me, Duo.

Please… please don't give up on me, Koi.

**_'Cause I'd surrender everything  
To feel the chance to live again  
I reach to you  
I know you can feel it too  
We'd make it through  
A thousand dreams I still believe  
I'd make you give them all to me  
I'd hold you in my arms and never let go  
I surrender_**

It hurt.

It hurt so much when he touched me.

It hurt so much when he held me in his arms.

It hurt so much when he caressed me so gently, so lovingly.

It hurt so much, that I couldn't help flinching at his touches, wincing when he told me aishiteru.

But Duo, I wouldn't care how much more it would hurt, if only you would continue to touch me, continue to hold me, continue to caress me, telling me you love me… for nothing would ever be more awful than finding myself in a bed empty of your presence.

**_Every night's getting longer  
And this fire is getting stronger, babe  
I'll swallow my pride and I'll be alive  
Can't you hear my call  
I surrender all_**

I lost him.

I was hurting so badly that Quatre was permanently frowning with aches when he was around me. I couldn't understand why I still hurt, even after Duo left me. I shouldn't hurt anymore, should I?

Quatre said I was heartbroken, that's why I hurt.

But… I was a perfect soldier, the Perfect Soldier. By J's definition, the Perfect Soldier had no heart. How could I be heartbroken if I had no heart to begin with?

Trowa said if I was ever the Perfect Soldier by J's definition, I wouldn't have fallen in love with Duo in the first place.

If I had never been a perfect soldier…

That comment from Trowa had sent me straight into a three day coma with a killer headache lasting for days when I was finally conscious. And that had earned Trowa a bone-breaking ass-kicking session from Quatre.

Quatre was so furious… he would have torn Trowa into pieces with bare hands if not for the fact that he was in love with the Heavyarms pilot.

I was laughing so hard, I would have fallen from my sick bed if Quatre hadn't caught me in time, to see 03 moaning and complaining, with two black eyes, a bruised jaw, a couple of cracked ribs and a cracked wrist, about how jealous he was; pouting and mock-sulking over the fact that his own lover had cared more about someone else than him enough to seriously kick his ass.

That was the last time I was in peace since I lost him.

I was pumped with maximum doses of painkillers everyday since I found out Duo's whereabouts. I was in that god-awful pain every second, knowing I had lost Duo to another, knowing I had lost Duo to Wufei. Wufei was an honorable warrior. I had no doubt he would take good care of Duo. But it still hurt like hell to know Duo had left me for someone else.

Maybe… maybe if I had been able to tell him…

**_'Cause I'd surrender everything  
To feel the chance to live again  
I reach to you  
I know you can feel it too  
We'd make it through  
A thousand dreams I still believe  
I'd make you give them all to me  
I'd hold you in my arms and never let go  
I surrender_**

I knew I was dying.

I knew I was fading fast without Quatre or Trowa telling me.

I could see it on their faces, feel it in my bones, that there were nothing anyone could do about it, that there were no cures for it.

I was too far-gone to be saved.

Quatre blamed himself for my pain, saying if he had known sooner, he could have done something for me.

He would have done anything for me, just so I could live.

But there was nothing he could do to stop this. If anyone had the power to stop this, it would be me. It was my fault for falling in love in the first place. It was my fault for not being strong enough to break my prison. It was my fault for not saying it when I needed it to make Duo stay. It was my fault that I lost Duo to Wufei, and it was my fault that I was breaking my friends' hearts by dying.

But even if it was my own fault that had set my fate as such, I would never regret my decision for letting Duo into my heart.

He had given me warmth when I was freezing in my cage.

He had provided me with a haven where I could rest in peace and contentment.

He had offered me friendship and love when no one would have given me a second glance without running away, screaming their heads off once they knew what I was.

Just for all those things he had done for me, I knew I could die smiling.

**_Right here, right now  
I give my life to live again  
I'll break free, take me  
My everything, I surrender all to you_**

I never knew the gentle Winner heir could curse and swear like a drunken sailor in a ranting mood.

That was, until he knew I had accepted a Preventer's mission behind his back.

He was practically foaming in the mouth by the time he knew Wufei was in charge of the mission and that Duo and some greenies were struck in a hostile situation.

He would have knocked me out if he thought he could make me stay. He would have pumped me up with tons of sleeping pills, tied me up and locked me down in a dungeon if that meant I would remain safe in his protection.

But we both knew that I would have run the moment he turned his back on me.

Medication did nothing much for me these days. Painkillers and sleeping pills simply didn't work on me anymore, other than knocking me out and dulling my pain to a more acceptable level for, maybe, an hour or two.

Locks and bondage couldn't have stalled me for long. Afterall, I'd had the best escape artist of our group to tutor me until I could do it with a blindfold.

And of course, if it had been anyone else, I would have listened to Quatre.

But it was Duo.

It didn't matter to me that he had fallen out of love with me.

It didn't matter if he was in love with Wufei now.

All that mattered was that he was in danger.

He needed me.

If I had to be the Perfect Soldier once more, so be it.

If I had to be the Perfect Killing Machine again, I'd gladly do it.

Even if I had to give up my own life in exchange of his, it would have been worth it.

As long as he was sound and safe.

Trowa had insisted on being my backup, not that I had much to complaint about.

Afterall, he was a better infiltrator than I would ever be. Not to mention he could probably just grab me and run like hell if needed be. I had been light enough that a strong gust of wind could probably knock me over.

And then there was that continuous lapses of concentration. I couldn't stay concentrated for a long time like I used to. Not with the pain attacks and some other symptoms I had had lately.

Without Trowa, I would have kneed over half a dozen time already.

I was half numbed with pain when we got into positions, and Trowa looked like an agitated big cat, ready to pounce on something.

Or someone.

Be it me or the criminals, I had no idea. But I knew he was tempted to knock me out, if it hadn't been too dangerous to do so.

I was too out of it.

But then, even an out of it Perfect Soldier would be more preferable than an unconscious Heero Yuy.

At least an out of it Perfect Soldier would know enough to shoot anything that weren't in Preventer's uniforms, that were waving weapons around, and anything that moved. An unconscious one could be a dead one before the mission was over.

I never knew why Duo froze when he saw me there. I was too busy shooting everything that moved with weapons waving around him.

I never felt the bullets hitting me until something knocked me over.

I never felt the blood running all over my body.

I wasn't even aware that I was down on the floor until a droplet of saltiness fell on my face and wetted my lips.

More had fallen on me while I blinked my blurred eyesight cleared.

And it hurt more than anything to see those precious amethysts tearing up for me.

Please… Don't cry, my love.

I'm not worth it.

Please… smile for me?

**_Right here, right now  
I give my life to live again  
I'll break free, take me  
My everything, I surrender all to you_**

I wanted so much to hear you say that once again.

But I couldn't hear anything other than my blood roaring over my ears.

But if you could hear me…

Please…

Hear me this one last time…

Aishiteru, Duo-koi…

Zutto…

Aishiteru…


	4. Duo

Author note: first time writer, not first fic I wrote but the fourth one up. Anyway, animation's not mine, characters' not mine, the song's not mine; I'm poor, so don't sue me… …anything I forgot to mention? Ahh… the story! It's **MINE**!

Death fic. Song fic. And well, I really didn't plan to write two chapters as songfic in a row, but the lyric just hit me over the head and my plot bunnies won't stop harassing me until I give in… Anyway, everybody here is a bit OOC under the circumstance (as if they aren't in other chapters… ;;) so don't tell me about that. Oh yea… it's also a bit psycho toward the end, but I can't help that either… You will see what I mean when you are there. So, happy…uh… sad…uh…oh whatever!... reading. Enjoy! v

Lyrics: 'RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU' by Celine Dion

(………….) phone conversation

* * *

Aishiteru. 

It had been the first Japanese word I learnt.

I didn't learn it from the Perfect Soldier. No. He might be half Japanese, but I doubted he would know some words like that.

Afterall, the Perfect Soldier had no place for love in his life, ne?

I learnt it when I was still this tiny teeny street-rat in Solo's care.

There was this young Japanese prostitute that took care of our lot sometime when Solo was needed elsewhere. She didn't really took care of us, per se, but she watched our backs when she could, made sure the young ones stayed out of those perverts' sights, or diverted their attentions when they became a tad too 'interested'. She always helped Solo to make sure none of us turned tricks even if Solo did it sometimes to feed the young ones. She didn't want the young ones to end up like any other who turned up dead.

I couldn't remember what we were talking about that day. But somehow, somewhere along the line, she taught me that word. She said 'aishiteru' wasn't normally used in real life. But if someone she really, really liked said it to her, she would gladly kill for him, even die for him.

I said my first 'aishiteru' when she died along with the gang in the plague, so that she could rest in peace.

**_Life_**

**_It can twist your heart_**

**_Put you in the dark_**

**_I was cold and lonely_**

**_Doubt_**

**_It can close you in_**

**_Build the walls within _**

**_I let fear control me_**

**_I let go_**

**_Didn't know_**

**_Where the answer would be_**

Heero got the second 'aishiteru', and the many 'aishiteru' after, of my life.

He was having a high fever that day, since he insisted on taking a swim in the sewer after he got shot during a botched mission, and got his wounds infected.

I had no idea what he was thinking about during the mission. You could hardly take any pot shots at the guy; dodging bullets was as natural as breathing for him, like it was a daily routine he went through. Sure, being a Gundam pilot made THAT a daily routine, but HE made it into an art form. He could dodge so many that sometimes it really made us, his fellow pilots, wondered if he was really human.

Oh, I had had the time of my life for taking pot shots at him and got him when we first met, after knowing how he was. But we both knew it was because he was either too surprised or too distracted to dodge it.

That meant he was, somehow, surprised or distracted during the mission.

But it was mission impossible to surprise him. He got so intense and concentrated during a mission that it seemed to me he grew eyes on the back of his head. That meant somewhere during the mission, he got distracted.

By what, I had no idea. But one thing for sure, a sick Perfect Soldier looked undeniably adorable, not to mention too damned vulnerable and fragile for anyone's own good.

It made me wanted to warp him up and stuff him away somewhere safe forever, so that nothing dangerous would ever touch him again.

When I had sworn I would never let anyone into me like that again. Ever.

Not after I lost Sister Helen and Father Maxwell like that. Not after Solo and my first 'love'.

No way in hell! I swear by Shinigami!

…But he got to me.

And he got me good.

Damn.

**_Right in front of you _**

**_Right in front of me_**

**_We were looking _**

**_But somehow, someway_**

**_We couldn't see_**

**_That the love was always there_**

**_It's been around us everywhere_**

**_I had to fall to finally see_**

**_That you were right in front of me_**

He looked so flushed that day. His eyes, the Prussian blue that I'd come to love, were feverish. He had been moaning and whimpering brokenly in his sleep, choking in Japanese with words I didn't understand. He was clutching so hard to his blanket, curling so tight into himself, that I was constantly checking to make sure he didn't bust his stitches.

I was having gray hair watching over him, worried that he might not make it.

Sure, us pilots were, no doubt, far more superior in physique than normal, the Perfect Soldier even more so. But we weren't invincible. Without proper treatments, we could die of infections and blood poisoning. But there were no ways for me to get any decent treatments for Heero. We were too far away from civilization. We didn't have any good transport other than the gundams. The other pilots were struck in missions at the other end of the world. Even if they were free, I doubted they could come through to us without some heavy fighting. And all I had with me was some antibiotic and painkillers…

It was one of the longest days I had had in my life ever since the Maxwell Church Massacre.

I was dozing every now and then, catching catnaps until the next whimper or shivering or sobbing knocked me out of it and me trying to soothe him till he settled down again. I was so tired – it had been one hell of a mission; maximum security, heavy firepower and everything. We had had to hightail out of it after the Perfect Soldier got himself shot in the middle of the damn mission. Then we got dunk in a smelly, gods-know-what-the-hell-the-ozzie-dump-from-their-lab sewer. I'd had to drag a semi-conscious, bleeding-all-over-the-place Heero Yuy out of that base, blasted the half-wired base sky-high, and jiggling here and there to get Wing away with Deathscythes to the safehouse. Only to find the unconscious baka's wounds got infected when I was struggling to get his ass cleaned up…

Did 'Tired' describe it?

I would bet you my braid that had to be the most understated statement of the year!

I was so exhausted I wanna just… just go hide somewhere and sleep for the next month!

Yeah yeah, I knew I was rambling and I really couldn't afford to fall asleep, but my eyes kept shutting on me. And I couldn't seem to shake the feeling if they closed one tad too long, I wouldn't get to see the Perfect Soldier breathing and sleeping beside me again – I would be burying his dead body like I did my other loved ones.

Though when I did doze off against my will, I kept dreaming of my young Japanese friend; how excited and dreamy she was when she taught me that word, telling me how she wished her Prince Charming would come soon and whisk her away from all that shit that were our lives. How the light dulling in her eyes, when she lay dying in my arms coughing up blood, telling me wistfully the Prince Charming she envisioned didn't exactly had a 'rat tail' like I did. Giggling softly with blood on her lips, she told me even though I told her 'aishiteru', she couldn't love me like she would her prince, that I should have saved it for my intended, even if she appreciated the sentiment.

I dreamt of Father Maxwell and Sister Helen, telling me how much they loved me and how I should never give up on love, even if I tended to drive them up the wall sometime. And I kept seeing the last moment of Sister Helen's life, how she told me it wasn't my fault, that she would always love me, and my regret that I had never told them I loved them like the parents I never knew…

Just like I had never told Heero that I loved him.

None of that 'love at first sight' fairy tale shit I has always imagined for my fated lover. Not even a 'her' for crying out loud. But I do love him.

If he ended up dead without knowing my love for him like Father Maxwell and Sister Helen, can I live with the guilt and regrets?

DO I wanna live with all that shit on my conscious, knowing he would never know how much he means to me?

I don't think I can.

I don't think I would EVEN wanna last that long to think about that.

So what if Shinigami likes to take away all my loved one? Heero was half way there already anyway; it wouldn't matter much if my confession did push him over the edge… at least this way I could stay alive long enough to exact my revenge before I joined him in hell.

Selfish of me, you say? Bite me, I'm only human.

So… I told him 'aishiteru' the next time he came awake, sobbing his way out of the nightmare. I had pulled him into my arms, pinning his arms between our bodies – I wasn't sure what his reaction would be and I didn't wanna die if I could help it – and said it to his face. I wasn't sure what to expect; he had been delirious with fever for hours afterall, but I sure as hell didn't expect him to freeze one minute, and threw himself right against me the next literally. I bet he would have broken a rib or two and squeezed the life outta me had he the strength, he was so weak with the fever and those gunshot wounds.

I wasn't sure what happened afterward. I was exhausted. I was worried sick about Heero. And he was so warm, so right, so… I don't know, fitting in my arms that I went straight to the La-la-land. Or maybe passed out, I wouldn't know. All that I knew was that I woke to the delicious smell of food and coffee, and a warm body tangled with my own. Trowa, the Silencer, the infiltrator of our group, had gotten my SOS and, somehow, managed to slip through the enemy line, bringing all that we needed to save my Heero.

**_Faith_**

**_It can lift you up_**

**_And we've got enough_**

**_To reach a new beginning_**

**_Love _**

**_Can withstand a storm_**

**_In the final hour_**

**_We'll find the joy in living_**

**_Don't let go_**

**_'Cause I know_**

**_Pretty soon you will see_**

I wasn't sure if he returned my feelings; he didn't say anything when he was good and mobile afterward, though he didn't seem to mind my touchy feely moves anymore. Sure, he flinched and winced sometime when I sneaked up on him, but he didn't pull his gun and threatened me like before unless I had startled him badly.

And he started to slip into my bed a few nights every week after that. I hadn't noticed it at first, for he always slipped away before I woke. I only found that out one night when I had had one hell of a nightmare, and nearly stabbed him with my spring-loaded when I woke, feeling someone beside me. He was lucky since I managed to open my eyes before I did the stabbing. That, and the fact that we didn't close the drape that night. The moonlight that cast a gentle slivery light over his angelic sleeping face was enough for me to identify the sneaky lil' bastard and stop my killer reflex.

I didn't know how he did it, but he didn't even stir throughout my nightmare and all the moving around I did after I woke. So I poked him awake once I was done soothing my ruffled feathers. He didn't say a word, though he did look at me not unlike a sleepy kitten, waiting to see if I was going to kick him out of my bed.

I was angry at first, how dared he look at me like that when he damn well knew I could have accidentally killed him in my sleep. But… looking at his adorable sleepy face, I couldn't do it. So, with a growl of "Next time, get in before I fall asleep!", I roughly jerked his compliant body into my arms, warped myself around him like a blanket, and spent the rest of the night in a peaceful slumber.

We never talked about what happened that night, and we did a hell lot more than sleeping together since that incident. But no matter how much I pounced on him, how rough a session of our lovemaking was sometimes, he never complaint nor resisted my advances. Although he never responded to any of my confessions either, other than flinching or grimacing slightly when I touched him or held him tight during those times.

I wasn't sure what to think about that, other than maybe he was just shy about it, or that he was still uncertain about my feelings about him, and etc. But at times, I could hardly believe some of those reasoning I came up with about him. I meant, what was there to be shy about anyway? We have done so many things I bet we would probably be billionaires if we sold those as porn. And if there was any uncertainty about my love or the sincerity of my feelings for him, I would be dead before I could strip him, much less took his virginity…

I thought that… I was almost certain that… he was in love with me, when he busted me out of the OZ base that one time.

I was quite certain I was a liability at that point – I was severely injured; I had stayed in the base so long that I could have been a security breach – I thought he would just shoot me at sight. But to my surprise, not only had he hesitated, he had allowed me to hold him.

On MY request.

At the ENEMY base.

Where EVERYONE around him was registered as ENEMY to his trained senses.

He. Let. Me. HELD. Him.

Could you imagine what that meant for someone like the Perfect Soldier?

Could you imagine how much that one action had to cost him to grant me such a request at such a place?

Not only he didn't snap my neck afterwards as I thought he would, but busted my ass out of there?

If that wasn't love, I had no idea what love would be like for the Perfect Soldier…

I thought I would never doubt his love for me. But I couldn't stop the insecurity and uncertainty from sneaking up on me. I mean, I may be in love but I am not blind. The flinching, the wincing, the grimacing, the pained looks… they aren't something you always see on your lover's face when you touch him, or hold him, or tell him you love him. They just aren't meant to be there for someone in love at all.

He had tried to hide them from me; he would look away, he would bury his face in my shirt or my shoulder, he would take my braid and nuzzle it, pretend to smell it… he had tried very hard to hide them, I'd grant him that. But he forgot the fact that I was a Gundam pilot too. That out of us five, I was also the best in stealth operation. I watched. I observed. Not saying anything didn't mean I didn't know about it. Body reactions, facial expressions… not much could escape the attention of a true Stealth Master such as myself, not when it meant whether I lived to see another day. It simply didn't matter if I couldn't see his face. The trembling of his body, the way his face moved when he buried it against me… that's everything I needed to know.

If he would only say it to me… I didn't ask for much… just once, all he had to do was said it once, and I would believe him. I would overlook everything I saw, because I trusted his word to me. He lied sometimes, for missions' sake, but he had never lied to me. He would tell me off when I was being annoying, he would call me a baka when I was being stupid, he would praise me if I did a good job, and he would kick my ass if I messed up…

Just once, Heero… is that too much to ask?

I left him.

I just… couldn't do it anymore…

I… couldn't… not when he didn't even know what love is…

…not when he was so confused about me, about 'us', that he had to ask me, "what is love?"…

**_Right in front of you_**

**_Right in front of me_**

**_We were looking_**

**_But somehow, some way_**

**_We couldn't see_**

**_That the love was always there_**

**_It's been around us everywhere_**

**_I had to fall to finally see_**

**_That you were right in front of me_**

("Maxwell."

"Duo."

"Hey Tro. What's up?"

"…"

"Tro? …Hey, you there, Trowa?"

"…Heero's dying."

"NANI?"

"Heero's dying."

"…"

"Duo?"

"…Ha Ha Ha, very funny. It's not April Fools' yet, Tro. Nice try."

"I'm not kidding."

"…"

"Duo?"

"… …"

"DUO?"

"…liar…"

"Duo?"

"Liar! You're lying! He wouldn't… he couldn't…"

"No… Duo…"

"No! You are a bloody liar! Heero is okay. I just saw him a week ago. He was just fine…"

"Duo, listen…"

"No! I won't! I won't liste…"

"DUO MAXWELL! SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO ME! Have I EVER lied to you?"

"…no…"

"And I would NEVER lie to you about something as important as this. Heero is dying. That's a fact! We are spending every resource we can to find a cure for him, but nothing worked so far. Heero misses you. He is hurting very badly now and I know he wants to see you. That's why he went to the headquarter last week, to hand in his resignation. He knew you would be there that day. He went there that day just so he could see you again. He…"

"NO! You are lying! He looked just fine! He even smiled at my stupid jokes! He couldn't…"

"GODDAMNIT, MAXWELL! Do You Ever Use Your Brain? Think about it; Heero is our ace hacker and computer expert. There're million ways for him to send in his resignation or change his work status without him going in personally. You know him. You tell me why he would do things in such an inefficient way."

"…I…I…he…"

"Please, Duo. He doesn't have much time. We tried, but he was hurting so bad that none of the painkillers we used worked very long. …I know it's a bit too much to ask… …I know…that you are with Chang now. But for old time's sake, please… just stay until he is gone. Or just… just stay with him for awhile, Duo?"

"… … …"

"Duo?"

"He knew, didn't he?"

"Huh?"

"He knew I'm with Fei now, didn't he? And he put you up with such a harebrained scheme trying to get me back, didn't he?"

"…No…"

"He THOUGHT if I believe he's dying, I'd go back to him, didn't he? How could he… how DARE he…"

"No, you misunderstand. Listen, Duo…"

"No! I won't listen to all these bullshits! I won't go back! I won't take this kind of shit from him! I won't! I Won't!"

"DAMN YOU, MAXWELL! DAMN YOU! Why Won't You EVER Listen To Me? Heero doesn't EVEN know that I call! He has EXPLICITLY demanded that none of us tell you two about his condition! He did NOT want you to come back out of pity! Yes, he knows you are with Chang now, and it's hurting him so badly most of his time now is spent dazed with drugs! He trusted your judgment, he trusted Chang would take good care of you, and he believed you'd be much better off with Chang. But I KNOW you, and I KNOW Heero. You're still in love with each other. This is just one big misunderstanding. You…"

"No… he doesn't love me… He has never loved…"

"Shut Up, Maxwell! We both know that's NOT true. And you WILL listen to what I've to say without further interruption! I'm not doing this to hurt you, and God knows I'm risking my life, my mate and my friendship for calling you about this… Quatre alone would have torn me limb from bloody limb if he knows!

"Heero loved you, and he still does. You're the only one who could touch him without setting off his reflex. Even weak as he is now, we have to restraint him while he sleeps, so our staff won't be accidentally strangled if he wakes with them around him! He let you touch him, caress him, hold him, make love to him, while he would have maimed before someone laid a hand on him, even if that someone is as close to him like Quatre and I. What does that tell you?"

"But… but he doesn't understand love… he doesn't even know what love is…"

"Just because he doesn't understand doesn't mean he doesn't know how to love! Did you ever see him treating anyone the way he treated you? Did you? … …He doesn't have much time left, Duo… If he ever knows that I call you… if he ever knows, it would be like a betrayal to him… I don't want him to hate me… he's like a brother to me… but I can't stand to see him in pain anymore…"

"… … …"

"… … …"

"… …I… can't… 'm sorry, Tro… but I can't… …"

"…Duo…"

"…he'll die if I go anywhere near him… …the Shinigami's curse… …it'll get him for sure if I go near him again… …I can't do that… …I love him… …'s why he's dying… …I can't… …I…"

"Duo?"

"…'m sorry… …hadda go… …I hadda go… …"

"Duo?"

Hang up)

"Goddamnit, Duo! Why the hell are you cutting yourself again?"

"…Wha…What?"

"Duo, you are cutting yourself again!"

"…oh… uh…gomen, Fei… didn't mean to…"

"And you're drunk too… what's wrong, love?"

"…nothing… …just… …just wanna see my angel… 's all…"

"Duo, you don't need to cut yourself to see your angel. I don't think your angel would be happy to see you hurting yourself."

"…no…he wouldn't…"

"That's right, love. He wouldn't. Now, promise me you won't do that again."

"…uh…Fei…do I hadda?…"

"Yes, you have to. Or I'll take away your spring-loaded."

"…oh…okay…I promise…"

"Duo…"

"…fine…I…uh…promise won't cut myself again…"

"Good boy. Now, rest easy my love. Maybe your angel would join you in your dream tonight."

**_You are my tomorrow_**

**_There's safety in your arms _**

**_Where you go, I'll follow _**

**_'Cause you're the world where I belong_**

It had been hard, trying to keep my promise to Fei.

But it was so much harder, just to keep myself away from my angel.

God knows how long and tough I have been struggling with myself…

I wanted to see him.

I wanted to hold him so much it ate away all my strength just to hold myself at bay.

There weren't much time left. But I couldn't… I couldn't do that to him.

I couldn't see him without bringing Shinigami much closer to him.

I loved him.

I still do.

I would live for him.

I would die for him.

And I would kill, just for him.

Even if it had been our life resolution not to kill again…

…even if I had to kill myself to break the damn curse, to save my Heero's life…

So be it.

I took up dangerous missions for the Preventers.

The more dangerous they were, the more reckless I became.

Fei and Une were worried about me. They had never seen me go Kamikaze like that. But they couldn't fault me for taking up those missions, for no one would be more qualified than I did.

Fei had tried to come with me on a few occasions, but I had always managed to stop him with one reason or another. All legitimate, of course. He worried, but I wasn't about to break my promise of 'no suicide' to him.

Although I'd never said about doing anything if the mission happened to kill me.

So, even if he sensed that there was something wrong with me, he could never guess it…

…He was always dense like that…

I knew, that when I died, Fei would be hurt.

I knew, that he had been in love with me for a long time now.

And while I had taken up his offer and lived with him as his lover, he knew, deep down in his heart, that I was still in love with my angel. That I could never love him like I did my angel.

The only thing he didn't know, was the identity of my angel.

He never knew, that Heero Yuy, the Perfect Soldier, was my angel. That he has been my angel of light and he would always be it, be dead or alive.

He never asked, so I never said anything. Though I never knew how he could be so oblivious about it, there were so many rumors about 'us' in the headquarter.

There were times, when I was hard pressed not to say anything about 'us'.

I really wanted to tell him, that I was in love with Heero. That no matter how hard he tried, I could never love him like that. That, to me, he could only be a well-loved brother, or a little more than a best friend with benefit.

But I couldn't do that to him.

Not only it would have hurt him terribly, he would have pressured me until I stayed struck beside Heero. He was always honorable like that.

I couldn't let that happened.

Shinigami was out on a mission to break the bloody curse laid upon his angel.

And break the curse he would!

I found the perfect mission after a while.

It had heavy firepower, tough, sadistic thugs, tons of highly explosive materials and all that shits.

Not that I was into torture, hell no, I hated it with a passion. A legacy from those good old days.

But no one would question too much if I 'happened' to die in the mission. Afterall, who would bother to question some sadistic maniacs?

The only downside was those greenies I was struck with. I didn't mind getting killed here, but these kids didn't deserve to die just because their mission leader wanted to. I had to get them out before the backup was here, or my 'mission' be damned.

**_Right in front of you_**

**_Right in front of me_**

**_We were looking_**

**_But somehow, some way_**

**_We couldn't see_**

**_That the love was always there_**

**_It's been around us everywhere_**

**_I had to fall to finally see_**

**_That you were right in front of me_**

I never thought I would see him again…

My angel…

My Heero…

He looked so skinny… So pale… Just like the fragile porcelain doll I had always thought him to be…

It looked as if a strong gust of wind could have blown him away… and broke him into pieces…

JUST WHO IN THE BLOODY HELL LET HIM IN HERE?

I tried to hide from him. I knew he came here solely for me, I could see it in his beautiful eyes. He would only stay hidden in the shadow so long he didn't see me out here. But damn it, why couldn't his 'Duo's radar' just freaking break down for once?

I tried to move, to intercept him, before he ran out in the open. But I couldn't do it… I busted my leg earlier, trying to shelter one of the kids…

Damn it… No! Angel… Heero… Stay back!

God Damned You, Maxwell! Just What The Hell Are You Doing When Your Angel Needs You!

I tried to catch him, but my angel was just one tad too far from my reach… He was dancing so magnificently in the battle field… He twisted, and turned in a perfect arc, sending all those idiots who dared oppose him to hell… He was ever so graceful, but he was slowing down…

No… angel, don't slow down… Don't ever slow down before you reach me…

That was when I saw the blood red wings coming out of his shoulders… They looked so beautiful… …but those wings were slowing him down. He slowed a bit more whenever the wings spouted from his back…

…Stop it, Angel… stop showing me your wings… I love them… honest… but they are slowing you down… Please… just come to me…

…Oh God! Oh no! Oh God, please… no! Angel… Heero… don't go! Don't Leave Me! Please…please, just look at me! Oh God! Why are you bleeding like this? Somebody! Help! Please… oh God… please, somebody… anybody… help me!

Cool, red-tainted finger gently wiped at my face. Those oh-so-kissable blue-tainted lip was moving, but I couldn't hear what he was saying. Please…Love, don't leave me… save your strength… please…I need you… Please… don't go….

"Ai…ishite…ru… Du…-ko… Zu…tto…Ai…shi…te…u…"

…No, Heero… No… don't sleep… I didn't do all these just to lose you now… No… wake up, love……please… wake up…

noNoNONONOOOOO………

IYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA……


End file.
